Patronise F1

Prologue

16.00 CST - Howdy everyone, welcome to Patronises coverage of Qualifying for the 2008 Chinese Grand Prix in Shanghai. I'm The Foot and today I'll be giving a very vague overview of events 3 minutes after they unfold on the track. While you wait for the session to start you could read about yesterday's action here, or maybe e-mail us something rude at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I'll also be writing some words, don't say I didn't warn you.

16.05 CST - The big talk this weekend is of course about the drivers championship, with 3 drivers still in the hunt with only 2 races to go. Hot favourite is Lewis Hamilton who has a 5 point lead over his number one rival, Ferraris Felipe Massa. After last years choke at the line McLaren have diverted a lot of energy away from car development and funneled it into practicing the Heimlich Maneuver, we'll see how that goes for them in the coming weeks. It's up to the aforementioned Massa to provide the pressure to create the optimal choking conditions, though his pace this weekend has been lacking compared to Hamilton's, which isn't what we want.

With Hamilton and Massa duking it out at the front, Patty favourite Robert Kubica is waiting in the wings to pick up the pieces of any mistakes and glue them together into a drivers title shaped trophy. While he may have brought the proverbial knife to a gun fight with his BMW, his uncompromising nature on his team and, as Kimi Raikkonen found out last weekend, fellow racers could see him sneak through. His mathematical situation is the worst of the three contenders, a quite impressive 12 points behind Hamilton. If the McLaren driver can score 8 points in the next two GPs then Kubica is out of it no matter what the Pole does.

The scenarios are a lot more complex for Massa and Hamilton, though the latter certainly has all the advantages, while the positions are reversed for the constructors title where Ferrari holds a relatively slim lead over McLaren and BMW.

16.10 CST - Thats enough about the championships for now though, as you've probably heard it all before. Other big news this week was the Canadian and French GPs being confirmed as off the '09 and '10 calendars respectively, for one of those I feel much sadness, the other not so. Can you guess which? Abu Dhabi has also been confirmed as the finale, and they're saying they have a big surprise instore that will blow everyone away. I assume it's that they'll start the race in the morning, and it doesn't blow me anywhere, let alone away. Read all about it here.

16.15 CST - Not a lot has happened on the track so far this weekend, it's pretty hard to get an idea of who is actually quick in the practice sessions, but McLaren seem mighty, while Ferrari seem to have lost the plot slightly. BMW are struggling with their race setup but their qually pace is impressive, Heidfeld topped third practice with Bobby K in third.

16.20 CST - The amazingly super awesome Mark Webber was very happy after the Friday sessions, he came 5th in second praccy but then his nemesis, fate, intervened. 40 minutes into todays final run his V8 decided to become a V4 as the left bank of his Renault had a bit of a crunch which will undoubtably put him in debt 10 spots after todays Qually. Very unfortunate for him as it basically means he'll be starting last tomorrow.

16.25 CST - So while my interest wanes, at least I've semi-accepted it and moved on from the hole I punched in my wall, so I'll probably manage to soldier on for the next hour. We're about to start here, it's snuck up on me a tad, lets roll. I hope no one takes that literally, I'm looking at you Mr Coulthard.

First Session

16.30 CST - We're away here, the light went green and my browser crashed. I'd written the first update too, it was full of glorius quips about Steve Riders fingers and James Allens tennis analogies.

16.35 CST - Piquet set the first competitive time before being beaten by Glock. Big names going hard very early. Boobens is 3rd, how interesting. Vettel is Hamiltoning his way down the back straight, weaving around. Thats been a talking point this week as well, Webber and Trulli being a bit critical of Hamiltons driving. Jarno was saying Hamilton blocked him as the Toyota attempted to lap him while in the lead in Fuji. I don't remember seeing that on TV so I'm pretty sure it didn't happen. A Toyota leading, he's joking right?!?

16.38 CST - Vettel goes fastest, on the softs though, Massa is out on track and being reasonably quick, he's on the harder tyres as you'd expect. The McLarens are out on track.

16.40 CST - Bourdais goes second before Heikki takes P2, Hamilton though is bathed in purple, it's lent down in his garage. The McLaren goes half a second faster than the pack. Choke damn you!

16.42 CST - DCs kept the pace up this year according to Martin. For those of you that don't know, Mr Brundle is Mr Coulthards manager, so you have to take his DC comments with a few sacks of salt. The big name in trouble at the moment is Rosberg.

16.45 CST - 5 minutes to go. Oh lord the Honda is a bad looking racing car, the nose from the t-cam view looks like a brick, only it goes slower. Kubica isn't having a great run at the moment, he's 17th. Turn 13 is tops isn't it, camber, will you marry me? Piquet goes P3, I assume that car is about 7 seconds faster than the pack then.

16.47 CST - A tweak of front wing goes on Kubicas BMW, hopefully that'll put him in the groove. 0.009 between the Force Indias at the moment in the battle for 19th, advantage Sutil. Jallen thinks either Massa or Hamilton will thoroughly deserve this title, what championship has he been watching?

16.50 CST - The usual rush for the top 15 is well and truly underway. Kubicas first sector isn't good, lets see how his S2 goes, it's better but it's really not great, we could lose a championship contender in Q1 here. Vettel pops up to P3, Coulthard is going really slowly, the shock, the horror. Webbers through, Alonso pops up to P4. Kubica goes P14 oh boy. Rubens goes 15th, nice work Boobens, Button is 4 tenths slower than him.

16.54 CST - We lose Fisichella, Sutil, Button, Nakajima and Coulthard. No real surprises there, Webbers challenge now will be to outqualify DC even with a 10 place penalty. It's unlikely to happen, but it'd be hilarious. Kubica breathes a sigh of relief. Rider and Blundell think Hamilton destroyed the grid there, by being less than a tenth ahead of the P2 man. Wow.

It looks like DC has been complaining about Heidfeld blocking him. Replays show DC was blocking Nick who then passed him. Being so slow the people you're blocking end up being in front of you isn't something you should be screaming about on the radio David.

Second Session

16.58 CST - We're actually underway here, though no one is on track. Kimi Raikkonen makes a liar of me. Coulthard is laying into Heidfeld, oooh aaah, take that! "He's not a sportsman". Burn.

17.02 CST - Brundle is talking about the traffic around Shanghai, not being racist at all ofcourse, just saying all Chinese are madmen. Raikkonen goes P1, though Vettel is going quickly behind him as is Kovalainen.

17.05 CST - Massa blows a hole in Allen and Brundles theory that Q1 means everything, as he actually tries now and goes P1, one and three tenths ahead of Heikki and Hamilton. Nico is slow, The Head is here but is just sobbing quietly in the corner. Allen compares a hairpin to a chicane, it's all happening!

17.07 CST - Kubica slots in behind Webber in 11th, he's got a bit of oversteer, he can't find a balance, his one-lap-speed-challenged teammate is 6th. Bobby K is bowing out of the championship with a whimper here.

17.10 CST - Webber is effectively 20th at the moment, though he may make it through to Q3. Cars are back out for their final runs. Both STRs look to be making it through, I hope Ferrari give them the dud engine again next year, I've had enough of them being ahead of RBR to be honest. When they build their own...well, anything...then they can hold their heads up high. Bring back Minardi! Rant over.

17.13 CST - Clock winds down, Kubica needs a miracle in S3, otherwise he's out here. Trulli, Bourdais and Webber are all improving. Bourdais goes P8, Webber P9 and Truli goes P10. Hamilton goes to P1 on that final run, Piquet sneaks ahead of Kubica into P11 while Alonso is in 7th. Nico P15. *pats Head on head*

17.15 CST - So, the final shootout will begin momentarily, now we put fuel in and qualifying speed loses it's meaning. Yay.

The Head - "When Williams said that Singapore was their last realistic chance of points this year, they really weren't kidding, were they?"

Don't forget the Merc sitting down the end of the pitlane waiting for Piquet to put it in the wall, a safety car could give Nico or Nakas some points.

Third Session

17.20 CST - My stream is dying, like the last seconds of a morning piddle. Speakig of which, a downpour is predicted for tomorrows race. I thought the globe was warming? We've had about eleventy billion wet sessions this season.

17.22 CST - Martin throws to Ted with a very unenthused "Ted Kravitz" which throws the pit reporter right off his game. Webber is towing a fuel truck around with him is the news. He'll be starting 20th then.

17.25 CST - They've forgotten to put fuel in Hamiltons car then, his S1 time is similar to his Q2 run! Raikkonens first lap is 1.6 seconds off his Q2 pace so he's heavy. Oh and Hamiltons had a horrible S2 and ZOMG Webber goes P2, work that out.

First runs complete, the order is Heikki, Kimi, Mark, Felipe, Hamilton, Fernando, Nick, Vettel, Jarno and Bourdais.

17.28 CST - Everyone piles in for a new set of tyres, a clean of the visor and a cheery message from their engineer telling them how rubbish they are. Hamilton should get pole here if he doesn't screw it up.

17.30 CST - Hamilton doesn't screw up his S2 this time, he's on track for a good time, everyones impriving though I can't keep up. Kimi goes P1, Hamilton beats him by 3 tenths, Webber improves but so does Massa up to P3. Alonso goes P4 oh this is hurting poor old Webber here, he'll start 16th, one spot behind DC damnit.

Epilogue

17.35 CST - So Hamilton takes pole from Kimi just like last weekend, then Massa will be right behind him on the grid. Alonso is then in P4, lots of love for Hamilton in the front 2 rows then. Heikki is 5th, Webber is kind of 6th, Heidfeld is kind of 7th, Vettel is 8th, then it's Trulli and Bourdais completing our kind of top 10.

Should be a good race. Does the Head have anything to add? I think he might!

The Head - "Heidfeld was impressive enough. I say impressive, I mean he beat Kubby and didn't look completely useless."

17.40 CST - So there we go, the grid is almost set. It should be a fun race tomorrow, the championship does make things a bit more exciting doesn't it? We'll be here tomorrow, covering the race live and not at all exclusively! I hope you can join us, cheerio!